Sunday, March 25, 2007
Paln in Loving
I was astonished. Dumbfounded. I was shocked to see him with someone. Of course, I knew he was with her, that they are together for two months now, but seeing them together was like a slap to my face. In front of me, they were there. I could not speak a word. I can feel the pain and my heart feels so numb. I can’t look straight to his face. I just looked at the ground. I sighed to fill my lungs with air. It feels like I could not breathe. I faked a smile and pretended to be happy even though inside me, I was struggling not to cry. I walked with my chin up high. I controlled myself and still pretended to be as jolly as the others.
I hate him for making me feel this way! I know I have no right to feel like this, to feel love for him because he is not mine. It was just Saturday night when we laughed heartily with the others. His girlfriend was not there and I admit that I grab the chance to be with him. I know it was wrong but then I can’t control myself. It’s like every second, every minute, every hour I want to be with him.
We seldom see each other. The night before was just like paradise. We seemed to be the only ones in the world. I had a really good time. We kept squabbling, hitting each other playfully and he kept on teasing me. We laughed and smiled. Then, Sunday afternoon was just like walking in a cold unwanted street. I ignored him all throughout the day, afraid that I would cry in front of him. Every time our eyes met, the feeling gets so strong as though taking my breath away. I broke the connection and avoided his eyes. Yes, his wonderful eyes that stares at me like an x-ray, staring onto my soul. I was afraid that he would know about my feelings through my eyes. He only knows that I have a crush on him, not love. Every time I saw him with her, I always felt like being stabbed by a knife a million times in the heart. My day ended with this sad and empty feeling.
Monday was just as terrible as the previous day. Without seeing him, my day is incomplete. Knowing that he is always with her. How I wish I never knew him, never did have this feeling for him. But he really is my inspiration. He changed me into a better person than I was before. There was something in him, something special that made me admire him..that made me love him.
The silly thing is whenever I am alone and stares into nothing, I would think of the day we first met, the memories with him, especially last Saturday. I can still see his face looking at me, his eyes and even his smile. Everyday I would feel a great loss thinking about him. The moment I saw him, I admit I can’t resist looking at his face.
I’m afraid to be hurt again because I was hurt once. I was hurt by somebody I thought would last for a long time with me but he did not. It must have been love but it’s over now. I’m done with it and I’m going back to square one. I’m going through another adventure of love. I have the freedom to love, to choose whom I want to give my heart to but what’s the use of this freedom if the person I chose to love also have the freedom not to love me back? How it hurts me.
Pain is what I feel right now. As I write this entry, I’m also hurt thinking of what’s happening in my love life right now. He’s just so near but I can’t reach him. Pain was the last thing I want to feel but love is always associated with hurt and pain.
I hate him for making me feel this way! I know I have no right to feel like this, to feel love for him because he is not mine. It was just Saturday night when we laughed heartily with the others. His girlfriend was not there and I admit that I grab the chance to be with him. I know it was wrong but then I can’t control myself. It’s like every second, every minute, every hour I want to be with him.
We seldom see each other. The night before was just like paradise. We seemed to be the only ones in the world. I had a really good time. We kept squabbling, hitting each other playfully and he kept on teasing me. We laughed and smiled. Then, Sunday afternoon was just like walking in a cold unwanted street. I ignored him all throughout the day, afraid that I would cry in front of him. Every time our eyes met, the feeling gets so strong as though taking my breath away. I broke the connection and avoided his eyes. Yes, his wonderful eyes that stares at me like an x-ray, staring onto my soul. I was afraid that he would know about my feelings through my eyes. He only knows that I have a crush on him, not love. Every time I saw him with her, I always felt like being stabbed by a knife a million times in the heart. My day ended with this sad and empty feeling.
Monday was just as terrible as the previous day. Without seeing him, my day is incomplete. Knowing that he is always with her. How I wish I never knew him, never did have this feeling for him. But he really is my inspiration. He changed me into a better person than I was before. There was something in him, something special that made me admire him..that made me love him.
The silly thing is whenever I am alone and stares into nothing, I would think of the day we first met, the memories with him, especially last Saturday. I can still see his face looking at me, his eyes and even his smile. Everyday I would feel a great loss thinking about him. The moment I saw him, I admit I can’t resist looking at his face.
I’m afraid to be hurt again because I was hurt once. I was hurt by somebody I thought would last for a long time with me but he did not. It must have been love but it’s over now. I’m done with it and I’m going back to square one. I’m going through another adventure of love. I have the freedom to love, to choose whom I want to give my heart to but what’s the use of this freedom if the person I chose to love also have the freedom not to love me back? How it hurts me.
Pain is what I feel right now. As I write this entry, I’m also hurt thinking of what’s happening in my love life right now. He’s just so near but I can’t reach him. Pain was the last thing I want to feel but love is always associated with hurt and pain.
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